Why I hate SPAM

Why I hate SPAM

No, not that greasy stuff that comes out of a can (although I entirely despise that...how dare they call it meat?!) but that crap that floods everyone's E-Mails, and now has been introduced into our lives through Facebook and other social applications. If you have never received SPAM, you need to leave the internet forever and live a blissfully ignorant, happy life.

Good, now that those Amish folks are all gone, let's get crackin! You see, my problem isn't so much with Spam itself. My Email has filters that gets rid of the most of it and I can easily clear away the little chunks that get through, it's the gullible people that tend to believe it.

There are basically two ways that SPAM works through the less internet-savvy of our aquaintences, and that is through greed and fear. We've all seen these Emails, but just in case you're still not following me, let me give you some minor examples.

Fear: These are the Emails that you receive with the regularity of the tide. When the moon has reached it's zenith and the tides of the sea reaches it's moist claws toward the earth, we get the Email that haunts our dreams.

"Facebook/MySpace/MSN/Hotmail are closing down forever unless you can send this to everyone on your friends list in the next 32 seconds! Why are you still reading this? Oh. You're screwed. Say goodbye to your friends and loved ones because nobody knows how to communicate without the miracle of the internet, your life is over."

There are a few major problems with this little slice of lunacy. First of all, the sheer idea that these networking sites have the wherewithal to actually trace these Emails, even through the thousands of forwards that people never bother to erase is nigh impossible. Do you honestly think that these companies that make so much money off of giving us a free service are going to have some little desk monkeys constantly following your pathetic little Email? I mean, Big Brother is one thing, but the amount of manpower to achieve this is ridiculous.

The next problem, is that these Emails always claim that your favorite website is running out of space. This is, if I can use a phrase coined by Ben 'Yahtzee' Croshaw, pants-on-head retarded. There is no such thing as the internet running out of space. As long as companies have money to buy more servers, there will always be internets to fill with useless garbage. Last I heard, Facebook was worth somewhere north of 6 Billion dollars. That's not exactly pocket change. I don't know much about servers, but after a quick search online, I found one that I kind of like the look to. It had the ability to be clustered with 2040 of it's own, and together they could pump out a revolting 59392 TB of space. In case I'm going to fast for some people, a TB is a Terrabyte. Which is 1000 Gigabytes. To put it in iPod terms, it will hold something around 33,333 songs before compression. Which is about as much music as you could listen to in just under 2 years time nonstop. So, now we have enough space to listen to 112998 years worth of music. And if I were calling these servers at 10 grand a pop, it cost 20 million dollars.

If you've managed to follow me through all that math and still know what I'm talking about. You get a gold star. If not, all you need to know is that the internet can never be filled as long as there is money in the world.

For the extra credit question:
If Facebook spent the entire $6 Billion on nothing but my fancy, half-mystical server mentioned above, how many years worth of music can you get?
Answer:
Sorry, I had to get another calculator to figure this one out. Let's just round it out at about 33 Million years, give or take a couple hundred thousand.

So, I believe I've said enough on the idea that Facebook running out of space is asinine. If you still don't believe me, the last buggy headed to the farm is boarding now. Please be on it.

Now that we're done exclaiming our joy at the powers of Mathematics and imagination combined, let's move on to reason number two why SPAM occasionally works, and that reason is:

Greed: Most of these Emails follow the same format. Billionaire X is giving away Y dollars for every person you send this letter to. And you make Z more dollars for everyone that they send it to! And so on and so forth. Usually this miraculous benefactor is Bill Gates, because "Hey! Why wouldn't the richest man in the world give me thousands of dollars?" They always end up the same way too, with "a friend of a friend" giving testimony to the check the he recieved in the mail last week for his thousands of miracle dollars!*

*Miracle dollars only valid at participating fantasies near you!

The first and most obvious flaw is the same one stated before. Manpower. When people read this, they seem to believe that Bill Gates himself has a giant computer tucked away in a corner of his mansion tracking this Email with his gold-plated chequebook open beside him just itching to fill in your name. I really feel bad for these people. I don't mean pity, I mean I feel real physical pain that they belong to the same species as I do. People are in this business to make money! Not to throw millions of dollars at random ungrateful people they'll never meet! If they ever get the urge to burn money like that, there are thousands upon thousands of charities far more deserving than you! It's a sad truth to deal with when you realize that the universe doesn't revolve around you. This is why most people get it out of their way when they're 3-4 years old so that they can GET ON WITH THEIR LIVES LIKE NORMAL PEOPLE! But there's just something about the curiousity and wonder of the internet to the unknowing. It brings out ignorance like a porch light brings moths, and the outcome is about the same.

There are other ways that the anonymous internet SPAMmers try and get your money, but at least for the most part it only hurts the dolts and doesn't inconvenience the greater population. I'm sure that the Lost Prince of India has his $20 Million fortune that he wants to share with you because he seems to have pulled the random letters and numbers of your email from some magical hat with a genie inside because he's just a generous guy. It absolutely is not a guy trying to gain your bank information and clean you out because that would be wrong, and everybody knows that everyone on the internet is so friendly that it makes Mr. Rogers seem like a serial killer.

Besides, after you exchange his Rupees to Canadian dollars, and give him back his half, cuz I mean, fair is fair. You're only taking home $250,000 anyway. Talk about a waste of time! You'd be better off planning your own get-rich-quick scheme than tagging along with Prince Hashid. If that even is his real name.

I am deciding that I am done for now. There you have it. I answered absolutely zero questions about anything, and plan on leaving no room open for debate. If you want to argue my points, I reserve my rights to ignore you until you begin to cry, or forget what it is you wanted to say.

~Love, Kurtis

Now send this to 20 people in the next 10 minutes and Bill Gates will give you a bazillion dollars.
If you don't send it, the internet will die.


Post Script - To view this blog in it's original form with images, please check my Notes section on Facebook.

T12RWIDCIIMYMTILBO

Top 12 Reasons Why I Don't Care If It Makes You Mad That I Like Barack Obama!

3: First and foremost, I can overlook the flaws of Obama simply for the amount of social change that a Black President will usher in to the United States. It boggles my mind that people can still be racist, and yet that's all I saw on my TV for the past months. It's the freaking 21st century for pete's sake! If movies have taught us anything we should be afraid of Aliens and flying around in jetpacks by now! Stop protesting the President and start protesting the underwhelming development on jetpack technology!

2: The 'campaigning' (see: slander) that was released during this 'election' (see: three-ring circus) basically boiled down to the white man vs. the black man. I mean, sure they could have debated the issues, but why waste breath on that when we can fuel the engine with hate. Hate is cheaper than rational thoughts!

I hear they're trying to run the next series of Hybrid vehicles on nothing but Pure Rage™

And finally, the number one reason:

I'm a freaking Canadian! That should be the be-all end-all of this argument. No matter what I say, or how vehemently I debate for the side of Obama, I cannot vote in the American Election. Period. If you didn't vote, it's your own fault. If you voted for McCain, go cry in a corner with the other 1/3 of the American population and wait 4 years like a normal person. Democrats had to put up with eight years of Bush, now it's your turn.\

And please don't shoot him...I don't trust Biden. His squinty eyes are nothing but trouble!

You know, I really did have a list of 12 reasons to fill in here, but honestly? I can't be bothered to list more than 3...which just goes to show that even though I care enough about American politics to write a note, I still don't care enough to finish it.